Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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