First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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