I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
