Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
