What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
How's work?
Spinning.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
