sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
