my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
