So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
