The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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