the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You made out with two different species that night
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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