I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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