I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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