Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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