he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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