So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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