Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize