Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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