The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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