Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
