Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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