Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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