if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
