What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
