i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
