Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
