My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
