Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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