When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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