oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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