I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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