I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
