I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
