just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
