I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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