my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize