just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
