i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
