Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
