Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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