I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
