I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
