So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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