I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
