so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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