Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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