Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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