Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
