dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
