Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
