you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Enjoy the penises
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
