At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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