My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
