God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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