Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
