Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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