I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
