Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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