Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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