Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
