You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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