On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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