If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
