I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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