I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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