then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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