Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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