Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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