We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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