What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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