He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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